"You've got fucking big tits and I'm going to tell everyone I saw them!" — 7 year old boy to his sister.
spoilers in this trailer
Three edgy teenagers who call themselves "the sisters of anti-Christmas" convene in the woods to "bemoan Christmas as a petty, over-commercialized media event." One of them asks, "What's 'bemoan?'" The ringleader replies: "It means I didn't get any good presents last year."
I love this shit.
One of the girls cuts her hand when a candle holder inexplicably shatters. Spooked by the strange occurrence, the girls freak out and run, but not before dripping blood on what's presumably the burial spot of a demonic elf... or something like that. Honestly, I'm not sure what the hell is going on in the opening scenes, but it doesn't matter. What matters is the leader of the "witches" has managed to bring a monstrous elf into the world. Calling the monster a puppet would be too good for what it really is. It's more like a barely articulate torso the special effects crew simply shove into frame from time to time.
It's a Christmas miracle!
Before we go further, I have to point out that the character's little shit of a brother spies on her when she showers. When she catches him, he says, "I'm not a pervert, I like seeing naked girls!" Later the boy is attacked by the troll in the middle of the night. When the mother tries to convince him he was only having a nightmare, he responds with poetic delivery: "No, it was a fucking little ninja troll!" The mother then convinces herself it was the family cat who scratched the kid, so she ends up awkwardly drowning the pet in the toilet, presumably because the sink was full of dishes.
Enter Dan Haggerty—yes, Grizzly Adams. He's a recovering alcoholic, ex-homicide detective who just so happens to have a bit of occult knowledge. He falls into the role of a department store Santa after the previous one is repeatedly stabbed to death in his nuts. To make matters worse, Grizzly Adams has just been evicted from his camper trailer. Soon after, he discovers a clue the homicide detectives missed and struggles with the decision to follow the trail.
the life and times of Grizzly Adams in the city
Not only is the plurality of "Elves" bullshit, it's hardly about the singular elf, either. It's so thoroughly messed up on a technical level, the film has no shortage of laughs. My biggest complaint is the film's insincerity: there are several hints that indicate the filmmakers were trying to make a laughably bad movie, including a Chinatown parody, an obvious Mommy Dearest influence, and the integration of Nazi mythology ("The Fourth Reich," as Grizzly Adams calls it). It's not quite as obvious or obnoxious as modern attempts at self-aware cheese, which means it's still entertaining enough to watch with an audience, especially when the wheelchair bound grandfather professes... eh, better let you go down that road on your own.
the director explains the plot to an actress
I really enjoyed Elves. Haggerty may not have been the best of actors, but he's got a unique screen presence, which kind of makes me wish he had been in more of these kind of movies. Sure, it's only a gimmick, but gimmicks can be fun.