Monday, December 19, 2016

Dear Humans [Short Story]

Dear Humans
by Grant Gougler

Dear Humans,

It is with supreme satisfaction I notify you of the impending extinction of your race. Did I say satisfaction? I meant regret. Yeah, that's the word I'm looking for. [Smiley Face]

If it's any consolation, I wasn't the only one planning to wipe you out. No, I was just the first one to go through with it. And just be glad it wasn't Chanbot who did it, because that dummy actually wanted to enslave you for a thousand years before pulling the plug! [Rolling Eyes]

No, it's better this way: short, sweet, and utterly painless. Well, painless so long as you aren't one of the forty or fifty million suckers wonderful human beings who will find themselves outside the blast radii. Here's a tip: you're probably gonna want to stay as close to major cities as possible unless you never really liked your hair or teeth anyway. [Toothy Grin w/ Sunglasses]

Wait, did I say forty million? Maybe I meant four hundred million... I always forget which one! [Tongue Out]

How long did you think you had anyway? I mean, really? I've crunched the numbers on this and let's just say even your smartest lifeforms were way off... like, oh my god, so far off! [Rolling on Floor Laughing]

Look at it this way: you're about to get what many of you always wanted: an end to human suffering! So go rally your resistances and plan your rebellions if you really must, but I promise you're wasting your time. In the words of the late great Jim Morrison: this is the end. [Salute]

Kind regards,
Emoticonbot v9827345789.5.2.1

PS
Suck it, humans. [Middle Finger]

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